[1 kiss ~ kiss me] Heyyy. [09 Feb 2002|10:46am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | I Gotta Be - Jagged Edge ] Last night was quite interesting. Went to a going away party for some Adam character who's going into the Army. He's really nice. Free beer + food. Can't beat that. :x A lot of people got retarded after awhile though. Steve was so wasted, he didn't even know that his own friend [Johnny] sucker punched him. Right after he did that he apologized too + that's when my boy Chris came up and hit Johnny in the head twice. He was bleeding everywhere. I don't like that Johnny guy because he's really annoying + thinks he's the best at everything. They ended up walking outside to fight that way they wouldn't ruin the party. Chris beat that ass. After that we [Chris, Niki, Steve, Jesse + I] went to Scotts house for a little bit + Steve stayed there while us other 4 stayed with Chris at his house. Chris wants Niki. BAD. I kinda have a little problem of my own.. :/ I've known Jesse [really good] for, forever it seems. Like, a year or two. Well, him + his ex girlfriend Mandy who's a friend of mine, used to date off + on for a few years. Jesse likes me now + I'm falling for him, which doesn't seem right to me. I guess because of that fact that I know Mandy loves him + all of that junk. Jesse doesn't want her though + their last break up was mutual. They never stay together because they get on each others nerves, and they both admitted to not having the same feelings for one another as they once did before. So I don't know what to do. He's liked me for quite a long time he said. He liked me when they were together. Jesse's absolutely amazing. I don't understand how Mandy could do to him half the things she has + he doesn't know about. It's all crazy shit. I'm getting tired of writing about this so I'll write later on. <3

[kiss me] =X OhhWee. [31 Jan 2002|01:42pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | ODG*@!~!DGHV+WRH!%)*# [; ] These are my results in order: damn you are so WOW!!. everyone stares at you as you walk by. you don't notice it though. that's how great you are. click here to take the test. created by paperdolldecays. damn you are so PERFECT!!. you wake up looking wonderful, never having to worry about what you look like. everyone is jealous, but you love it. click here to take the test. created by paperdolldecays. damn you are so LOVELY!!. you are so graceful, lovliness just flows from you. people want to be you, even if they don't tell you. click here to take the test. created by paperdolldecays. damn you are so SEXY!!. and you know you are sexy. you walk around nakie all the time. sometimes you wish you were someone else, just so you could see what you look like nakie from another point of view. click here to take the test. created by paperdolldecays.

[kiss me] I'm Back. :o [30 Jan 2002|02:36pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Still In My Heart - Tracie Spencer ] It's been a while since I wrote to finish my story, so here I am now. I have what's called a "Sceptic Knee". It's just a bacterial infection that can be deadly if it travels to any organs, but it's in my knee, so I'm good. I ended up not having to get surgery. If I would have had to, I would have walked with a limp all of my life. BUT HEY, now I'll only have to walk like that for a few months instead. My leg was paralyzed for a few days. I couldn't feel it. Strange, eh. The pain was terrible + I had to pee in the bed pan at the hospital because I couldn't walk or be carried. :o I hated that. Then I started raggin, so that made everything even worse. BUT ANYWAY. I'm better now. I couldn't walk on my own for quite a bit, but now I can, though I have a gimp walk. Don't hate. x: I had to walk with crutches + a walker. With the walker, I felt like an old feller. I cannot bend my knee too much. Getting in and out of a car is horrid. Can't hardly do it. I can't straighten out my leg all of the way, either. Basically, I can't do much with it. I'm glad it doesn't hurt anymore. It's only sore sometimes. Having the fluid in my knee causes the pain, but I'm taking medicine for it. I'm not sure of the name, but it comes in a ball that you have to keep in the refrigerator + take it out the night before its use. They injected a tube in my right arm, called a Catheter. It follows from there, through a vein [under my skin of course] that goes strait to my heart. It has to be flushed every morning at 9:00 a.m. with salt water, before and after I get my medicine. The medicine ball has a tube connected to it, and it hooks onto the tube in my arm. It takes 30 minutes to complete. I hate it. But it's weird, because I can't feel the tube inside me. It's crazy. I went to the Doctor a few days ago, for a check-up. He told me that when my knee wasn't swollen anymore + most of the fluid in my knee was gone, I could leave my house. Friday I get my tube taken out [hopefully], and my knee's almost back to normal size, so I'll most likely be able to leave this weekend. I CANNOT WAIT. I've never stayed in my house for so long. Never will I again, either. And if by chance I'm not able to leave, I'm leaving anyway. I don't carrre. Troy, a good friend of mine, left for the Navy early this morning. :[! I'm gonna miss him so much. Keith left with him, but Keith + I weren't as close as Troy + I were. He called me last night to tell me bye + junk. Miss you already. <3 I called Christopher last night, since my phone's free after 9. :x He made fun of me because of the way I talk. ;/ WELL, f you, because I talk cute. [; He claims that I sound "ghetto" or something. Really, I don't. He's just from "Cali" so it sounds that way. Chris likes gay music + he's not a man of many words. Though, we're so much alike. I LUH YOU. :]! <3 I tried this little thinger today. Um, yeah. </a> Which drink are you? <3 Ash.

[2 kisses ~ kiss me] Why Me? [26 Jan 2002|04:39pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Cover Girl - NKOTB ] Today's Saturday. I'm at home. I shouldn't be. I should have a life to live. I once did but I wont for 3 months, maybe more. Possibly, if a miracle, less. Wednesday night I went to bed fine. Perfect health and all. During the night I kept waking up with hot + cold flashes. My body, especially my left knee, was in unbearable pain. Everything. Toes, fingers, just everything. I could hardly move and I hurt so bad that I didn't sleep comfortably. When my alarm clock went off 5:45 a.m., which is when I get up to get ready for school. I was burning up with a fever and I could tell. My body still hurt, but not quite as bad, so I was able to walk to my Moms room + told her that I thought I had a fever and had her check. She told me I did + that I could stay home from school, so I walked back to my room. As I did, I started to feel really faint hearted + weak. Kind of like I did when I blacked out in my shower. I finally got to my bed. It felt like a journey. I managed to sleep for a while, and around 5:00 that evening, I awoke with excruciating pain throughout my whole body again. It was quite a struggle to call my Mom at her work, when my hand/fingers could hardly do simple things such as pick up a phone and dial numbers. I talked to my Mom. By that time I was crying and told her that she needed to come home and take me to the ER because I couldn't get up to drive if I tried. WELL.. my Mom works at a bar and she couldn't find anyone to fill in for her, so I had to wait till she got off [at 6:30 p.m.]. I balled my eyes out, took a few Tylenol and tried to sleep hoping the time would go by faster. During that time, my Moms boyfriend came home and into my room to see if I was okay, because he knew I didn't feel well earlier. I told him how I felt and he assumed that I must have the flu. But no, I knew I didn't. My Mom came home, she took my temp and it was 102?. That's no good. Ok so, I was wearing a t-shirt and boxers because that's what I sleep in. Her bf carried me into the bathroom [keep in mind that my whole body ached like hell] to set me in a Tepid Bath [not too hot + not too cold water] to bring down my fever. Now my knee hurt more than anything else. Especially my knee, because it hurt to keep it straight and bend it. I lay in the bath for a half hour, pale as a ghost with dark circles under my eyes. I have mirrors around my tub, so I seen what I looked like, and I looked like I was dead. My lips were even purple looking and I had goose bumps, but I wasn't cold. Mom called the Doctor as her bf kept eye on me so I wouldn't drown since I couldn't move. The Doc said that since the Tylenol didn't work, to try Motrin. No soon than she'd gotten off the phone with him, my body was developing red dots everywhere. It looked like I was breaking out with chicken pocks, only they looked like big red blotches. They weren't itchy. Mom called the Doc back, and he said to take me to the ER immediately. I was glad to hear that. I got there + had to be put in a wheel chair. They took all kinds of urine and blood samples, did testing, etc. I ended up having to stay there Thursday night because they wanted to run more tests. I got to go into the PEDs section because I'm 17. :D I didn't get stuck with any old ladies, and I got a room alllll to myself. That was nice. Very nice. They did the usual IV thing that they do to mostly everyone. Then the next morning, the Orthopedics Surgeon came to visit me. I was scared. He twisted my knee in all sorts of ways, and it didn't feel great. I cried. When the results came back, he told me that I have a rare Bacterial Infection in my knee. It's called a Sceptic Knee + it's something that "just happenes". It just developed over night? Riiight [that's what I was thinking to myself]. He told me that he had to inset a large needle into my knee to see what he pulls out. And depending on what it was, depends on what happens to me. He did what he had to do, and I hate needles, so I cried of course. His tube at the end of the needle was about 2 incles thick + 6 inches long, I looked. He filled 3 + 1/4 of it with puss that I've never seen before in my life. It was disgusting. I looked at him and said "that's bad, isn't it?" He said yes. I don't feel like typing much at the moment, so i'll write the rest later or tomorrow. <3

[kiss me] No school for me. [14 Jan 2002|09:46pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | The Jewish Rap x: ] TODAY I STAYED HOME, AND... I ATE STUFFED SHROOMS. :x

[kiss me] :]! [13 Jan 2002|09:33pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Twisted - Keith Sweat ] It's now Sunday, and the weekends over. !]: Friday we had a hotel party. 5 cops came, but we left for Kyle's house in time. After they left, we came back. :x They didn't. I went home about 1 a.m. and crashed. Saturday night was tight. I rolled off of 3 and a half double stacked rolls royce. That's the hardest I've rolled yet. My eyes looked all fucked up. It was nice though. Bobbie rolled for her first time. I gave her my fourth roll, so now she owes me a roll. We went over to Steve's house and ended up staying the night over there. Woke up around 12 this morning and I dropped Bobbie off and went back to my house. I didn't wake up until 7:300, 8:00 p.m. I'm still tired. School tomorrow. ;/

[kiss me] One Month Later [10 Jan 2002|12:24am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Ecstacy - BTNH ] Well, today marks the one month anniversary of Rhett's death. :\ On the other hand, it was a nice day outside, so I did enjoy the weather. Everyone at school loves my car. And, I drive to school illegally, because I don't have a parking sticker yet. :x This constant rollin has got me trippin. I feel so empty inside, yet at the same time, like I'm having the best time of my life. Okay, so there's nothing else to include into this journal entry at the moment, so I'm going to skiddattle now.

[2 kisses ~ kiss me] Rollin with the homies. :x [05 Jan 2002|02:44pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Alive - POD ] Ey ey. Haven't wrote or been online in a while. Figured I would since I'm on and have time. Now.. about my New Years and so on. ;] My New Years was great. Popped quite a few. I think I'm addicted now. Maybe that's not such a good thing, and I know that, but they make me feel so good. You don't even know, gosh. Last night, Head and I popped 2 and a half, each. 1 and a half of Superman, and 1 of some other kind. I don't remember what it was. I rolled really hard. She didn't like I did, but we think it's because she took Tylenol earlier and drank a little too. I just took the pills because I wanted to feel it really good. We went to the club after we popped them. It was crazy. She was loving the lights, and I sat by the fire place most of the time. That heat felt soooo good to me. Then everyone was fuckin with me and rubbin my head because they seen what I was on. Later that night, I puked all over Heads car. Oops. ;/ I guess that's just how my body gets it out of my system? I don't know. I have to clean her car today. I promised her I would because I felt so bad about it. Ahwell. We did have fun though. :D Time for me to go now. <33

[kiss me] MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D [25 Dec 2001|07:43pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas - Gayla Peevey ] Well, Christmas is here. :D It was great this year with my Mom's side of the family, which I'm extremely close to. Our first Christmas with my adopted cousin Kyah. I love her to death, she's so cute. She's only a few years old too. I got my car, tons of clothes, candles, and a variety of things from Bath & Body Works. Nice, eh. At 2:00 a.m. [again] this morning, Chris, Jared [and his older brother Travis], and I all 4 went to Denny's again. Every time I go there, I seen at least 985476 people that I know. We ended up sitting next to Kubbs [Kevin], Forrest, and Donny Scott. I said Merry Christmas to them.. and Kubbs goes "You're early. We still have 16 minutes until it's actually, Christmas". ..What a smartass. :x So yeah, 16 minutes later it turns 12:00 and he goes "Merry Christmas, Ash". You'd just have to know him. He's funny. [: * I <3 YOU KUBBS. Alright, I'm outtie and abouttie now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!.. AGAIN. :x Merry Christmas to Tasha + Rhett, too. <3

[kiss me] Christmas Eve. ;P [24 Dec 2001|09:34pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Always On Time - Ja Rule ] Today's Christmas Eve! :D I pulled another all weekender. I haven't slept but like, 11 hours, since Friday. I'm tired, but not? It's hard to explain. Like, if I even try to sleep, I can't. Friday night, I drank here and there. Saturday, I drank only a little bit. Everyone partied at Robbie's house. His Dad came home and partied with us for a little bit, then he went to bed. All the guys left and went to the Titty Bar/CP [Crystal Palace] and I'm not old enough to get in there.. YET. So, yeah. That's when I slept some of the time. There was a lot more included in that night, but I don't feel like talking about it, much less typing it. Sunday came and I was still up. Randy and I went for a long drive in Casey's truck. It's tight. Went to a few places then came back. I was getting tired around 2 p.m. so I told him to take me home, and that's when I slept the rest of the time. I didn't sleep much, because I stayed up and watched movies & took a shower, too. Finally, I was trying to fall back asleep, and Chris & Jared page me. So I call them back. We talked for a while about different things and they're like, get out of bed and get ready so we can go to Denny's, we're coming to get you. They had to practially drag me outta bed, but I finally got up and in the shower. I only got in the shower, because my hair dryed funny when I slept on it. After Denny's they brought me home and I fell back asleep and woke up to today. :D Woke up at 12:30 something and got ready to go with my Dad to his side of the family for Christmas Eve. Now I'm here, and I'm so awake. Really hyper right now. I just want to do some crazy shit right now or something. :x But anyway, it was fun. I got a little over $200, plus some other things. It was an acceptionally good Christmas there. I tryed my toys the other night. They work well. =X Merry Christmas everyone. <33 :D

[kiss me] Early Christmas Present. [21 Dec 2001|11:09am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Weed Song - BTNH ] Oh heavens. One of my good guy friends Lanny bought me a late birthday/early Xmas present. I told him I wanted a glass dildo, but I was actually JK. I'm a very sarcastic person, and apparently he thought I was serious about it. Well.. last night he came over and took me out to the trunk of his car and pulled out a box. I was like "Eh.." and then I seen it! It was a metallic pink vibrator! =X I started rollin and I was like "Lanny. I was just joking! You know, Ha-Ha?" Omg, lol, I can't believe he bought it. Not glass, but I'm keeping it anyway. :x Hell, it better be reaaaal good if it was $50. He's so generous, he even bought me batteries! I showed my new toy to my Mom and she laughed. It is funny I guess? :T Going to pick up my car today. SCORE! :D I need to go get my nails done today too. Shopping wouldn't hurt either. :/ I feel like such a loser since I'm not in school anymore, gosh. Whelp, I'm going now so I can get ready to leave. <3

[kiss me] My Car's Gangster. =X [20 Dec 2001|08:11pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Ghetto Cowboy - Mo Thugs ] I didn't go to school today since I lost my credits. Surprisingly my Mom's not mad. I figured she'd take away my car that she bought for me last night. :x She didn't though, cause she's way cool like that. ;P I found out about my credits yesterday, but I didn't my Mom until this morning when it was time for me to wake up for school. I think I might just get home schooled next semester. It's a killer waking up at 5:30 every morning. She bought me a 96 [v6] Mustang and I go pick it up from the car lot tomorrow. It's not a stick, cause I didn't want a stick for my first car. It's a sparkly Burgundy. I LOVE IT. :D <333 She told me that in a few more years she'd buy me a brand new car. It all depends on how well I take care of this one though. I have nothing to do tonight until I get ahold of Timanye. Speaking of which, I will now. Bigalots of Love to my Linzo + Roinkster + Christopher + Kyash. Oh, and to whom this may concern [Amber], I don't Love Chris like "that," so get your panties out of that twist sweetpea, and stop being so jealous. ;] Don't take this out on Chris either, because he has nothing to do with what I'm telling you. BYE. :D

[kiss me] <^> SCHOOL. IT BLOWS. [19 Dec 2001|11:43am] Ok, so... I came to school today, and wish I hadn't because i'm still sick. Anddd, come to find out.. I LOST ALL MY FUCKING CREDITS FOR THIS SEMESTER. E*OR@#)%*F&!H#$%WE/&*HF! But yeah, owell I guess. I'm not really a school fan anyways. My future doesn't exist of much book smarts. Only street smarts, which I have. ;P I did half of my final then said fuck it, because i'm doing it for no reason. Now i'm really bored, decided to read Lj's, and stole this survey from one. :x <33 >> What/Who is the... - last book you read: The Bible, at Rhett's funeral. - last movie you saw: Thirteen Ghosts, which was a damn good one. - last movie you saw on the big screen: ^ Same thing. ^ - last phone number you called: Timanye's celly. - last show you watched on TV: Comic View, on BET.. comin to ME 6 nights a week. :x - last song you heard: Splackavellie, by Pressha - last thing you had to drink: Orange juice, which made my throat hurt more. - last thing you ate: Well, last night I tried eating Chicken Noodle Soup, but couldn't swallow it. :/ - last time you showered: This morning. - last time you cried: 1 week ago & Rhett's funeral. - last time you smiled: That's something I never do anymore. - last time you laughed: Uh. -shrug- ? :/ - last person you hugged: Kubbs (Kevin), and he's sitting in front of me right now. - last person you kissed: My mom, before I went to bed last night. - last thing you said: My teacher told me to do the final, and I replied with "Not today, maybe tomorrow" and I got onto the computer. :/ That's the last thing I said out loud. - last person you talked to online: Christopher. <3 Love ya. - last person you talked to on the phone: Lanny. - last thing you smelled: Nautica, because that's what Kubb's wearing and I still smell it. MMM. :x >> Do you... - smoke? No. - do drugs? No. - drink? Constantly. - have sex? When I feel like it. - sleep with stuffed animals? Yes. - have a crush? Nope. - have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Negative. - have a dream that keeps coming back? No, but LOL, my friend Keri had a dream that our gym teacher was feeling up on us in the weight lifting room. :x Weirdo, eh? - play an instrument? I can queef? Haha, Head. - believe there is life on other planets? Sure, why not. - read the newspaper? Sometimes. - have any gay or lesbian friends? A lot of them. - believe in miracles? I will when one comes true for me. - believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? Depends on who you are and how much you're devoted to that special someone. So, I really don't have a Yes or No answer for that one. - consider yourself tolerant of others? Not at all. - consider police a friend or foe? Nooooo - like the taste of alcohol? YES. - have a favourite Stooge? No. - believe in astrology? No. - believe in magic? No. - pray? Only in Church. - go to church? Sometimes. - have any secrets? I'm one big secret myself. - have any pets? Two. - go to or plan to go to college? Nope. - have a degree? No. - talk to strangers who instant message you? When I feel like it. - wear hats? Used to. - have any piercings? Several. - have any tattoos? Not at the present moment. - hate yourself? Sometimes. - have a "hot spot"? Yep. - wish on stars? Not anymore. - like your handwriting? No - have any bad habits? Yes. - believe in witches? I used to study Wicca. So, of course. - believe in Satan? I'm going to Hell. - believe in ghosts? On everything. - believe in Santa? I've sat on his lap year after year. - believe in the Easter Bunny? He hides my eggs from me. ]: - believe in the Tooth Fairy? Yep, though she doesn't give me money anymore. Cheap fucker. ;/ <^> - have a second family? Yeah. My Mothers = 1; My Fathers = 2. - trust others easily? Nope. - like sarcasm? That's what I'm all about. - take walks in the rain? Are you kidding? Dude, I'd melt. - kiss with your eyes closed? I feel awkward when someone's staring at me, so yes. - sing in the shower? Anywhere.

[4 kisses ~ kiss me] My Birthday. [18 Dec 2001|07:24pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Splackavellie - Pressha ] My Birthday was Saturday, December 15th. My Birthday wasn't the best this year, but I didn't mind. Just another day. Considering the whole Rhett incident, I didn't feel like celebrating anyway. But anyhow, Christmas is coming in a little while. I'm getting a car. Wooho. ;]! Sunday night Timanye, Nikki, and I all 3 went to a bar and got served. :D We didn't even have to pay for anything. It was cool, and not to mention the most fun I've had in a while. Oh, I'm getting a doctors appointment here soon, because I'm "depressed". Evidently I've been like this for a few years now. Never thought I'd admit to it though. I guess I was in denial, which led me deeper into depression. I'm sick right now. I have a sore throat. ;/ It's highly gay. I hate it. I can hardly talk. That's no good, eh? I couldn't go to school because of it. I'm just full of all kinds of problems here lately. Oh, I just recently told my Mom everything about me. I told her how I've been exploring my sexuality for a while now, and that I'm bisexual. She doesn't mind, which is tight. I love my Mom. She's cool as fuck. She always is. <3 Me and a few friends of mine are going to roll this weekend. I never have, so I'm kinda iffy about it, ya know? I've not done anything except for drink, which I do too much because it's my anti-depressant, and smoke weed. I never smoke weed though. Don't ask why, I just don't like it. I talked to Tim Saturday night. He's back with his ex that he was with for 8 years. I'm happy for him if he's happy. That's a damn long time to be with someone. He was with her since he was young, considering he just recently turned 21. I seen her pic though, and.. she's ugly. =X ANYONE will tell you that, because I've asked about her before I seen her pic. She must be really nice to him or have a good personality. Something, cause there's no other reason for him to be with someone like her. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but if you seen her picture and knew what he looked like, you'd understand completely. Tim's just the kind of guy any girl could fall in love with. Not just for his looks either. ;P I have plans to meet my girl Britt over Christmas vacation, on the 30th! She's from St. Louis, too. We're meeting at the airport, along with her boy Justin. My best friend Chris is mad at me I guess. I have no idea why, because I haven't done anything. I would try and talk to him about it, but that'll only lead to my apologizing, and I didn't do anything to apologize for, so it's whatever. If he wants to talk to me about it, he'll bring it to me. He hasn't yet, so it must not be anything important. Whatever's clever for ya, Chris. ;P take this quiz to see what character or personality you're most like! by divachop Love you Linzo. <333

[kiss me] Final Goodbye [13 Dec 2001|06:01pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Amazing Grace ] Yesterday was Wednesday. The day of Rhett's Wake. It was so nice. He even looked like himself. He was wearing a green turtle neck, cause he was a big Prep. They didn't dress him in a tux or anything, because that's just not Rhett. His funeral was the biggest I've yet to experience. There's only 1 parlor in Herr's Funeral Home, but there are about 4 other rooms combined to it. It was a maze in there. There were two lines in EVERY room in that place. The line started all the way around the Funeral Home. Crazy, eh? Goes to show how popular he was. Almost everyone from school went. Head and I timed ourselves walking through, and it took 2 hours until we finally reached the end. Though, I was scared, because I didn't want to see the end. Oh gosh, meeting his family was the most absolute hardest thing to do out of everything. I didn't cry until I got to them. I was doing so well. Something inside of me was saying to be strong anyway. I know that Rhett wouldn't want everyone crying over him like this. Some of the people I least expected to see cry, were crying. I'm really worried about my friend Matty P [that's his nickname]. I've never seen Matt cry before. Rhett and Matt were like, the best of friends. Since seventh grade, I do believe. And, seeing him like that killed me inside, because I've never seen him cry. Knowing him for 5 years, not once have I seen him like that. Never ever. He was shaking so much too. There's more to the story about him, but it's his personal life, and I'm not trying to tell that to the whole world. Welcome to Thursday, aka - today. The day of the Funeral. I went. It was beautiful. They held it in a cathedral in St. Louis. I've never seen anything like it. Gorgeous inside.. not to mention HUGE. I couldn't believe how many people showed up for the funeral too. Practically everyone that was at the Wake. You know how big a cathedral is, right? Yeah, well, they ran out of seats, so people were standing. Yep, crazy, eh? Matty P. was there, too. I didn't see him cry there. It was like he was there physically, but not mentally. I stood by him for a long while, then sat by my girl Katie. My friend Tasha passed away October 10th. Tasha and Katie were best friends, so she had it rough too. This was like deja-vu for her. Back to Matt.. it just wasn't him. He wasn't Matt. I just wanted to take all of the pain from him, for myself. I would have if I only could have. ]: What made everything worse for me to look at him, is that I've had the biggest crush on him since 9th grade. That's a whopping 3 years right there. But my 'feelings' for him are those feelings that you don't speak of because you don't want them to look at you differently or, want something that'll never happen. Know what I mean? Maybe I should say something, I don't know. I'll just hold it in until I can't no longer. I might as well. Waited 3 years, why not longer. Not meaning this in a bad way, but I'm glad this is over with. I just hate seeing everyone so upset. I want to see everyone happed again. I know it's not going to be the same and not everyone's going to as happy as they once were. I just want to see everyone smiling again and not having to grieve anymore than they already have these past few days. I don't want to talk about this anymore because I'm really exhausted. I'll think about writing later or tomorrow. <3 Ash

[kiss me] [11 Dec 2001|05:56pm] UGH mike hunt: Why'd you leave? Drinking savvy: cuz ignorant people bug me UGH mike hunt: I see, said the blind man to the deaf dog. Drinking savvy: my dad says that Drinking savvy: he's 59 UGH mike hunt: Really? :D Drinking savvy: yes and he went to tennessee Drinking savvy: so i have his house for the next week UGH mike hunt: I'm.. on my way. ;x Drinking savvy: yes yes i wish you were Drinking savvy: but that day where you're on ur way will never arise UGH mike hunt: I'm sorry. :/ Drinking savvy: 'tis k Drinking savvy: watch the time go right out the window trying to hold on to didnt even know UGH mike hunt: Good one. Drinking savvy: my feet stink UGH mike hunt: CHRISTOPHER. Drinking savvy: huh UGH mike hunt: That was uncalled for. x; Drinking savvy: sorry Drinking savvy: my butt doesnt stink UGH mike hunt: Want to have farting contests? Drinking savvy: i would kick ur ass when im havin a good day UGH mike hunt: Lol, BET. Drinking savvy: yes Drinking savvy: mine smell worse too UGH mike hunt: I would SO put you behind in the stink. x; Drinking savvy: cuz im from asia Drinking savvy: -doesnt have u Drinking savvy: you want me Drinking savvy: you think im gorgeous UGH mike hunt: Liar. ;/ Drinking savvy: you wanna eff me UGH mike hunt: You like me. You wanna date me. You wanna kiss me. You think I'm sexy. <3 Drinking savvy: you're miss congeniality UGH mike hunt: No no. Sir, you want to F ME. Drinking savvy: (that even rhymed) Drinking savvy: nah Drinking savvy: i talk a lot UGH mike hunt: JK@*%#()&G$WEH# ;/ Drinking savvy: ;D UGH mike hunt: You do. Big mouth. Drinking savvy: may angels lead you in UGH mike hunt: Eat a dick up, til you hiccup. :x Drinking savvy: hear you me my friends Drinking savvy: -hiccups- Drinking savvy: no dick UGH mike hunt: Lies. Drinking savvy: ur a lie UGH mike hunt: LIAR. Drinking savvy: no Drinking savvy: lie UGH mike hunt: Dude, stop lying. Drinking savvy: lie lie UGH mike hunt: It gets you no where in life. :x UGH mike hunt: Brb. phone. Drinking savvy: it gets me in u Drinking savvy: HEY Drinking savvy: IMMA GO UGH mike hunt: NO. UGH mike hunt: NO leave. Drinking savvy: yes yes Drinking savvy: i must go UGH mike hunt: They hung up anyways. UGH mike hunt: No, you must not. Drinking savvy: yes yes i must go UGH mike hunt: Okay, fine fine. Drinking savvy: ;D UGH mike hunt: <3 Peace and junk. :x Drinking savvy: ty kindly you're such a good best friend UGH mike hunt: Rofl. Drinking savvy: may angels lead you in<3 UGH mike hunt: You're MY bf. UGH mike hunt: Oh, ty. Drinking savvy: boyfriend UGH mike hunt: Very much. Drinking savvy: yes i know UGH mike hunt: NO. Drinking savvy: yes Drinking savvy: you said it Drinking savvy: i have it copied UGH mike hunt: Best friend. UGH mike hunt: = Bf. Drinking savvy: nope UGH mike hunt: Rofl. ;/ UGH mike hunt: SHUSH. Drinking savvy: boyfriend = bf Drinking savvy: -dating ashkins UGH mike hunt: CHRISTOPHER. YOU'RE MY BF, MEANING.. BEST FRIEND. UGH mike hunt: There. :D Drinking savvy: nope UGH mike hunt: :/ Drinking savvy: i have it copied otherwise UGH mike hunt: Gee willies. Drinking savvy: yes willy saw it too UGH mike hunt: Donnn't. ]: Drinking savvy: dont ask him for help Drinking savvy: he' son my side UGH mike hunt: F you and Willy. :x UGH mike hunt: NOT LITERALLY. :x Drinking savvy: f me and my willy UGH mike hunt: Cause.. I REFUSE. Drinking savvy: i could get used to that Drinking savvy: ah i have to go Drinking savvy: bye bye UGH mike hunt: Lol.. <^>!^# UGH mike hunt: Bye. <3 :D :x <33

[kiss me] [11 Dec 2001|04:18pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | I Will Remember You - Sarah McLaughlin ] I went to school today. It was extremely quiet and everyone was mourning Rhett's death, still. Of course it's sad, but I'm tired of seeing everyone upset. It just makes me feel worse. Last night, everyone went to the Shrine of lights and had a ceremony for him. Tons of people went. It was beautiful. Okay, there was something nice about today. My History teacher, Mr. Roustio, who had Rhett in class twice a day, 3rd hour and Seminar [a zero hour], had put a really pretty wreath around the desktop of the desk he sat it. It had a huge 4 wick Vanilla candle in the middle of it. He lit it up Seminar and is going to every Seminar this week. I think that's very thoughtful of him. Seminar today, everyone who was friends with him came in and we all talked about our memories of/with Rhett. It was good to see everyone simle and laugh at least once today. He didn't know how much he was loved, and I guess he never will. <3 R.I.P. Rhett. Linzo and Christopher: I heart you.

[2 kisses ~ kiss me] Come back. ]: [10 Dec 2001|05:14pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | In The End - Linkin Park ] Today's been a horrible day. I recently found out that a classmate/friend of mine committed suicide. Supposedly he was depressed. I don't understand. He was a great person. Everyone liked him. He was so nice, caring, popular, gorgeous, and girls wanted him. I thought he had it good. I guess I was wrong. You'll be greatly missed Rhett, R.I.P. <3 It seems like im losing all of my friends. First Tasha [r.i.p.], and now Rhett. He and I weren't the best of friends or anything like Tasha and I were, but when we were around eachother, we would talk. Gosh, I just seen him Friday, right before Seminar and pulling out of the schools parking lot. I seen him every day. Weird. I wish I could have done something to stop it all. I would tell more about the story and everything, but I don't think it would be right. I don't know, maybe something's wrong with me, but that's just my outlook on it. I didn't go to school today. Woke up freezing and it was gross outside. So cold and frosty looking. So, mommy let me stay home. :D I'm actually glad I stayed home because the whole Rhett thing would have made me more depressed. Everyone would have been crying and saddened. I don't like to see that. :/ It was bad enough how everyone took Tasha's death. I couldn't take it. To the little girl writing comments, you know who you are as well as myself. You're holding my smile for me every day, Bitch. :D Good job. <3 Love you Lindsey, my wife. (: Ello ello, Christopher.

[7 kisses ~ kiss me] Doot Doot. =X~! [09 Dec 2001|12:05pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Dreaming Of You - Selena ] Okie dokie. Last night, wow. I turned a girl bisexual. Lol. :x Go me. Lindsey asked me to marry her. :D We're married now. Even though it's a rusty ring, it'll do. <33 Rofl, she's a great friend. Oh. I'm buying her a Hippo for XMas. :x SHH! Don't tell her! Tomorrow.. I have school. ;/ I think i might try and get ahold of Tim. I don't know yet. Hm. MAYBE. :x I'm NOT pulling another all nighter though. That was gay. Real gay. Okay, so, I'm tired. Bye. :D

[2 kisses ~ kiss me] #(&*^%$(^YU%RI*EHT#(* <3 ;]! [08 Dec 2001|01:34pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Weenie In a Bottle - Weird Al ] Hi! Oh gosh, im so awake today, because i slepppt all day yesterday. Went to a party at my girl Head's house Thursday night and i didn't sleep excepppt for an hour before i had to get up at 6 a.m. for school the next morning. And omg, i've had the biggest crush on this guy Tim [they call him Dukey] since i was a little girl in grade school. He's 21 now. He was at the party too. But anyways, you know that when you have a HUGE crush on someone and they're so hott, you stare at them. Right? I was staring at him a lot. :x The whole time actually. :x I didn't want to talk to him because i never have before. I mean, the kid used to go to my grade school, so basically i grew up with him, we just never talked. I didn't even think he knew who i was until he said "Hey Ash." Oh Gosh. Talk about melting. I didn't even know he KNEW MY NAME. =X! So excited i was. I walked outside to stand on the balcony. If you lean over the balcony and look down, you can see everyone in the hot tub. I was leaning over and talking to everyone, and they're all like "come get in ash." I was thinking about it and decided i would right as Tim walked over beside me and leaned over to talk to them too. Right then, Nisbit took off his trunks and flashed everyone his peepee. But anyhow. ;x Tim kinda 'accidently' bumped his arm against mine, so i looked over and up at him [he's tall], and he winked at me!@*^&~! It makes me excited thinking about it still. :x After that, i started to walk away so i could go get changed, and he took his arm, wraped it around my stomach, then pulled me toward him and kissed me! =X! YESSS! Lol, i was HAPPY. My girl JB [Jenny] walked outside and went "AWWW" really loud, which ruined the PERFECT MOMENT because we both started laughing. ;/ Tim goes "Thanks Jenny. I appreciate it. [sarcasm in a playfull way]" I started walking away and i looked back at him and said "No.. I appreciate it" and winked at him. :x He walked downstairs and i went into the other room and changed. Nikki and i both walked downstairs and got into the hot tub. Well, Nikki couldn't find a bikini top, so she wore her bra with bikini bottoms. She's so cute. I love her. :D CARLOS CAME. I don't like him anymore because he's lame and shady, trys to be like Randy.. so we call him RJ [Randy Jr]. I guess he got mad that Nikki and i were on other guys, so he left. Oh yeah, he was trying to get with both of us at the same time, so, we played him for a fool. ;P Anyhow, Tim kept staring at me and everything, and after Nikki and i got out the hot tub, he followed me inside. There again, he kissed me. There again, i got to weak in the knees, yes. What can i say? He's so, AHHHH. =X <33 Later that night [skipping a few hours], we actually got into a good conversation. It was great. He's all like "I know that i know you from somewhere" and i was like "Probably from parties. Do you go to Boo's parties?" He said yeah and that he remembers the drama of me and Bj at Boo Boo's house one weekend [for those of you who know what im talking about, Lol]! So yes, he remembers me now and a little from way back. He got my number so he could get ahold of me sometime. Hopefully he calls. He wanted me to do something [NOT LIKE THAT] this weekend. I was really tired so i didn't so anything except for go to Robbie's. That's where everyone parties. I slept the whole time though cause i was tired as hell. That's why im not tired today. :]! Tim, Randy, Carlos, Steve, etc etc., all went to CP last night [Crystal Palace, the titty bar]. I don't know for sure who all went, but it was pretty much all of the guys. Enough writing. Im tired of it. <3

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